Every relationship develops patterns over time. Some bring couples closer together, while others quietly create distance, misunderstanding and resentment. The difficulty is that many of these behaviours become so familiar they no longer stand out, even though they may be having a significant impact on the relationship.
The behaviours below are some of the most common patterns I’ve seen over many years of working with couples. You may recognise one or two, or you may see several that feel familiar. Recognising them isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about understanding what’s really happening beneath the surface, because when you understand the pattern, you have the opportunity to change it.
- The couple that never argues. Nine times out of ten this couple’s dynamic will have a low passion reflected in little to no sex life.
- The couple that can’t stop arguing. This erodes their connection and stacks resentments that can create emotional detachments.
- Relationship contains someone that always needs to be right or wants to win arguments instead of understanding you are dealing with differences. Not right and wrongs.
- The couple who don’t make their relationship/connection a priority.
- If a person is holding back love/intimacy as either self-protection or as a punishment.
- When a person becomes a problem spouse with problem behaviours as a means to self-protect to deflect from their deeper real issue, leaving their partner in the dark as to the real problem.
- If a person marries for security and not love.
- If a person ignores their partners’ cry’s for help.
- If a partner is not actively invested in their partners’ happiness.
- The couple that assumes they think and experience the world the same as each other.
- The couple who don’t understand how to create an attraction dynamic.
- When critical needs are ignored or not understood.
- They are constantly on different pages, so feel disconnected most of the time.
- They sweep problems away without understanding and dealing with the problem first. Instead show their unhappiness in withdrawal, showing a reduced interest or staying angry.
- When two people talk, but neither is understood. Or worse they listen and think they understand but actually don’t.
- When two people stop having sex and assume lack of sex is their problem?
- When people assume losing passion for each other over time is normal.
- Not understanding love what it means and how it works.
- The couple that doesn’t realise what they need to be happy is different from their partner.
- People will naturally gravitate without thought to meet critical needs outside their relationship if their needs are not met within it or shut them down so completely, they become indifferent.
- Not understanding what really drives your partner and connects them to themselves.
- Knowledge of what really attracted the couple when they first met because they could stop doing it negatively affecting their connection.
- The person who is looking for fairness is likely to be killing their attraction dynamic.
- The person who pleases others at a cost to themselves. (Giving open heartedly is different)
- The person who becomes someone they are not to protect their marriage. When you do not live to your values or your authenticity you cannot connect to yourself or your spouse in any meaningful way.
- Couples that don’t make their marriage a priority.
- If you’re on the verge of an affair, please know the affair will complicate your life and will cause everyone massive pain and suffering, and you will not think it was worth it.
- Sudden change in personality can stress the marriage and can have destructive drivers if not correctly understood
- When an individual concern such as anxiety, depression, worries, or fear dominates and drives behaviour, and leaves you emotionally and practically unavailable for your spouse or excludes them.
- When emotional needs are ignored or given a lower priority in favour of problem fixing. When you don’t know you have these or address these, you may become anxious, depressed, angry or scared or feel alone or empty.
- When you see each other as the problem instead of identifying your needs and working the problem together.
- When your pattern of dealing with issues is to withdraw or act angrily instead of facing the problem.
- When your model of communication judges rather than responds to the anger, hurt, worry, or fear that your spouse is feeling.
- When you don’t realise your own emotional needs, can’t verbalise these or have a pattern which rejects emotional support offered to you.
- When there is no SAFETY: This is being able to come to your partner with your feelings, thoughts, struggles, emotions and concerns and have them receive them with sensitivity, empathy, and without shame, blame or judgement.
- Not realising you have a part to play in your spouse being their best for you.
- The spouse who expects their partner to know and understand what they need without explaining. And then gets angry / upset when their partner doesn’t do mind reding.
- The spouse that gets so caught up in their own struggles they have no emotional room for their partner or their needs.
- When a partner lacks emotional literacy. Cannot understand or take responsibility for their own emotions, blaming their partner for them.
- When as a pattern of behaviour, a partner becomes upset, angry, shuts down or withdraws when feeling the disturbance of difficult emotions and these shut down their partner, because their emotions become the focus of attention.
- When each partner has a different attachment style.
- When each partner reacts to their own TRANSFERENCE. (See article)
- Anything from the past which continues to influence what is happening today and a spouse cannot control or understand what is happening.
- Holding onto and failing address resentments. These build up and grow resulting in a constant disconnection and lack of respect.
- When you are constantly angry or scared. Your body will go into fight or flight mode to protect you. This will shut off warm emotions.
- When your model of communication doesn’t include you each sharing your emotions, and each responds to the others without empathy and support for what is difficult.